I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
