if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
