my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
