Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
