Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
