I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
