he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
