my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
