You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
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