Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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