It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
The struggles of a small town man whore
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Randomize
