Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
