The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
