So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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