Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
