The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
ttyl tear gas
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
