I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
How does one acquire holy water?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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