we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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