you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
