Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
