we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Randomize
