escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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