hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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