It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
