whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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