Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
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Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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