i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
