Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
