Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
