you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
