Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
