The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
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Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
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Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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