but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
