I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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