it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
