I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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