Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
