There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
