I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Randomize
