How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
