Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
You pole danced in your parka.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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