Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Randomize
