he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
