I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
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