drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
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