jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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