I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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