He disabled his match.com account in front of me
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize
