Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Randomize
