So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
