i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Randomize
