so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
