I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I currently don't understand fingers.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
