All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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