Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
He shit in the fireplace
Randomize
