Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Randomize
