Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
